The Amazing Final Fantasy Race
by Goatbob
Summary: Eleven teams of two from FF6 to FF102 race across worlds for the prize of one million gil. Based off the popular reality show The Amazing Race.
1. Chapter 1

**The Amazing Final Fantasy Race Episode 1: Part 1 of 3 **

_Author's Note: This is taken from my site and skips over the introduction of the teams, which can be found at my website. I didn't upload it to because it is written in script format, which I understand is not allowed. _

The twenty-two racers lined up on the starting line, which was basically standing in front of the Djose Temple in Spira. Some teams got into a sprinting stance while others just stood there.

The announcer Gippal stepped forward and raised an arm. "Teams, are you ready?" He paused as if expecting a reaction. Only Strago responded by passing gas. "Right... Get set then, and GO!"

The teams took off. Raijin took an early lead, followed closely by his teammate Fujin, who was almost neck and neck with Edgar, Sabin, and Paine.

-------

Paine slowed to a stop and looked behind her at her teammate who was walking prissily and slowly. "You're letting them win," Paine said to Tifa. "Run already."

"Me? Run?" Tifa said, offended. "With these?" Tifa pointed to her chest. "I don't need a black eye this early in the race." Paine's eyes widened. After getting the response she wanted from her teammate, Tifa reached her arm around Paine's neck and pulled her in closely. "I'm just kidding, I'll run," she whispered. "I'm just trying to throw a few of our male racing teams off their balance. Let's not run here though, it won't help us to get to the first clue box first, trust me."

--Jenova & Sephiroth: Mother/Son, Currently in Last Place--

"Mother, come on," Sephiroth said to Jenova. Jenova was trying desperately to open the door to the Temple. "No, Mother! It's not a trick! They didn't hide the clue box in there. It's on the bridge." Sephiroth sighed. "For God's sake, I can see the damn clue box down there. I think those faggy brothers already have the clue... Yeah, yeah they definitely have the clue. And what do ya know! There's tacos in the clue box!" Jenova turned and raced for the clue box. "Thank God," Sephiroth said to himself before running after Jenova.

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in 1st--

Edgar pulled a clue card out of the clue box, opened it, and read it outloud to Sabin. "Take one of the marked landspeeders to Luca Interplanetary Spaceport and take a spaceship to-" he paused to laugh triumphantly. "-to Kohlingen in the World of Balance."

--Announcer Gippal--

"Teams must use a newly added Spaceport in Luca to travel to the planet known as The World of Balance using one of three flights, leaving at 8:00, 9:00, and 9:30. The 8:00 flight arrives earliest, but the 9:30 flight arrives twenty minutes faster than the 9:00 flight. Only four teams can use the first flight, and only three can use the 9:30 flight."

--Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 2nd--

"We gotta go to this Luca ya know?" Raijin said to Fujin.

"WHERE?" Fujin asked.

"I dunno. None of these places seem familiar to me ya know? Let's just take that landspeeder thingy right there and follow the brothers ya know?"

"MORONS!"

"Yeah, so they're dumb, but what else can we do ya know? Oh wait, never mind. Those cute chicks that live here are coming. Let's just form an alliance ya know?"

Rikku and Yuna ran to the box and pulled out their clue.

"Go to Luca?" Yuna said confusedly. "Where's that?"

"Oh Yunie," Rikku said. "There's a reason you never navigated anything."

"So you know the way then?" Yuna asked.

"Was _I_ ever navigator of anything? No. We're screwed in our own place. Great. Well, let's wait for Auron then."

"SCREWED!" Fujin said to Raijin.

The rest of the teams arrived at the clue box, and with the exception of the brothers who had already sped off, all were standing around the clue box wondering how to get to Luca.

Jenova ran to the clue box and opened it. She looked through it furiously, throwing out clue cards.

"What? No tacos?" Sephiroth said. "It must be those damn brothers. They must've taken them all. There's only one thing left to do. Beat them in the race so they don't steal any more tacos."

"Could you guys stop the taco talk?" Rufus asked. "Fatty's salivating like a waterfall. It's disgusting. By the way, does anybody know where this Luca is?"

"I know the way," Auron said. "Everybody grab a speeder and follow me."

All the teams raced to the speeders and boarded. Auron and Jecht's started off first while the rest of the teams followed them.

"Jecht, you know what to do," Auron said.

"Heh, oh yes," Jecht said evily, taking off his backpack and tying it to the back of the speeder. The backpack dragged in the dirt, kicking up giant clouds of dust. "Follow this, assbites!"

The other racers slowed down, giving Auron and Jecht a big lead.

--Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 10th--

Steiner and Beatrix stared at the landspeeder. Steiner took occasionally breaks to scratch his head and other body parts.

"Beatrix-dear, what is this?" Steiner asked.

"A landspeeder I'm pretty sure," she responded.

"Well, okay then. Lead the way, I'll take the landspeeder."

Steiner crouched next to the landspeeder, then with a loud _oomph_, picked the speeder up in both hands and carried it over his head.

"This is really heavy," Steiner grunted.

"Yeah, but at least we know where we're going," Beatrix said. I asked a local where Luca was. He never once looked me in the eyes, but I know where to go nonetheless."

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in Last Place--

Edgar and Sabin stood by a strange bug-like creature and a large elephant-like creature.

"So Edgar," Sabin said. "Do we want to ride ze shoopuf or not?"

"I'm pretty sure we don't," Edgar responded. "I think we're lost." He looked to the buggy thing. "Hey Thing, where's Luca?"

"Luca?" he said. "Luca ish not here. I could take-sho there if sho ride ze shoopuf."

"Can you put this thing on it?" Sabin said, pointing to the landspeeder. "I don't wanna get penalized for not taking it to Luca."

He agreed, and Sabin loaded the landspeeder onto the shoopuf.

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

"Heh, I can't believe we lost 'em so easy," Jecht said to Auron.

Auron and Jecht dismounted the landspeeder and headed into the Luca Interplanetary Spaceport.

Auron untied the backpack that had been dragging on the floor. The strap was almost broken and the cloth was only moments away from giving way and spilling its contents everywhere. "This bag is done for," Auron said.

"Ah, just leave it," Jecht said. "We've still got one bag, and that's plenty for survival. I remember this one time I was lost in the woods. It was just me, this camp counselor, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I'm still standing."

"So you're saying consolidate the alcohol into the good bag," Auron said.

"Yeah, sure."

"So Jecht, I know you're all right, but what happened to the camp counselor?"

"Bah, don't worry about him. Once I polished off the Jack Daniels, I broke the bottle over a rock and impaled him with the bottle. Somehow his body was necessary in my rescue, I'm just not sure how."

Auron and Jecht ran to the marked ticket desk. A young blond girl worked the ticket distribution.

"Hey Sweetcheeks," Jecht said.

"Stop calling me that," Auron said.

"I wasn't. She's Sweetcheeks. You're Bitch. Anyway, Sweetcheeks. We need the earliest tickets you've got."

"Okay, I'll put you on the 8:00 flight," she said, oblivious to the degrading nickname.

-------

The large group of racers never split up. They all arrived at the Spaceport at the same time and raced for the counter. Lani was first in line, and Amarant slowly and forcefully shoved his way to join her at the front. The ticket seller motioned for them to come to the counter.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully. "How can I hel-"

"Give us good tickets," Amarant said coldly.

Lani slapped Amarant. "That's horrible. Say 'please' Flamer."

"I can't," Amarant said. "I don't know what that word means."

"Stop being dumb Fla-"

"No, seriously. I don't know what it means. I'll try though." Amarant looked at the ticket seller. "Give us good please tickets lady."

The ditsy woman behind the counter smiled at him and handed them tickets for the 8:00 flight.

--Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, On 9:30 flight--

"From what I've heard," Rufus said to the camera, "it sounds like those grizzled dudes, the Rastafarian and his whore, the black guy and the bitch, and Tifa and her lesbo partner all got the 8:00 flight. Me 'n the lardass are on the last flight with those two clueless whores and the little girl and her grandpa. I booked the tickets though, and I took this flight because I heard it was the second one to arrive. I just hope that holds true. We're still waiting to see if those brothers show. We haven't seen 'em, and it's almost time for the 8:00 flight to board. I don't know what flight they're on, but I think they got here first, so they'd better get back here."

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in Last Place--

Edgar and Sabin sat on the landspeeder, which was loaded onto the backs of a large elephant thing called a shoopuf. The shoopuf was not in the water however, it had walked all the way through the Moonflow and was now a good ways into Mushroom Rock Road.

"This is just, thrilling," Edgar said to Sabin.

"I feel like a tool," Sabin said. "Hey Edgar, how much money did we get for this leg?"

"500 gil," Edgar responded. "This ride is gonna cost us about 100 gil, so hopefully we don't need a whole bunch of cash later."

"Hey Edgar, this tubby thing we're riding on is very slow."

"Yeah, I think we're in trouble."

--Beatrix & Steiner: Dating, Currently in 10th--

Steiner dropped the landspeeder at the entrance to the Luca Spaceport.

_Huff, wheeze._ "Beatrix-dear," Steiner said, doubled over trying to catch his breath. "I gotta wait a minute."

"We don't have time," Beatrix said, running to Steiner's aid. "Just hold on, I'll assist you." Beatrix grabbed Steiner's left hand and left leg, then with a quick push up with her knees, lifted the armored man above her head, and headed into the building.

"Thanks dear," Steiner said. "Watch the doorway please."

Beatrix ducked just in time to pass safely under the entrance. She carried Steiner to the ticket desk where the young blond woman was still staring blankly at the camera.

"I take it you guys want the 9:00 flight since it's all that's left," the woman said. Beatrix nodded. "Well, here you go, and you'd better run quickly to Gate 14 because your flight is already boarding."

"Poppycock!" Steiner exclaimed, jumping down to his feet. "I've enough stamina to get myself there quickly. Let's run m'lady."

Beatrix and Steiner raced for Gate 14. They reached the ticket taker just in time and boarded their flight.

--Strago & Relm: Grandpa/Granddaughter, On 9:30 flight--

Strago and Relm sat in the Spaceport seats awaiting their flight at Gate 18. Relm turned to face the camera.

"We're all pretty stoked that Lover Boy and his brother, the puffed up aerobics instructor, didn't make either of the first two flights, and we bought the last ticket for this flight. So they're eliminated! We've survived! We're already into the next leg!"

Relm jumped down from her seat and started doing some wacky celebration dance. Strago looked down at her and immediately stood up on his seat and started doing a very similar dance. From several seats over, Rikku and Yuna saw them doing their victory dance and decided to join in. They stood up and started boogieing down. Across the way, just outside the entrance to Gate 18, Shinra finished purchasing his bottled Pepsi and box of Jujubes from a couple vending machines. When he came back in and saw the victory dance, he began doing what he called 'The Dance of the Jujube.' Rufus saw everybody dancing and began repeatedly hitting his head against a nearby wall. Within seconds, all the non-racer passengers of the 9:30 flight also joined in, and soon all of Gate 18 except Rufus was dancing. Apparently spaceport staff saw this spectacle and decided to assist the dancers by playing "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang over the speakers.

"I think I'll take up smoking," Rufus said as he walked out of Gate 18 to look for cigarettes to start his new habit.

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently Boned--

Edgar and Sabin finally reached the spaceport on their shoopuf escort. They kicked the landspeeder off the side. It landed upside-down and broke into two pieces, but the brothers figured they were leaving and wouldn't need it anyway. They ran inside and up to the ticket desk.

"We need two tickets," Sabin said.

The blond girl looked at them and smiled. "I'm sorry sirs, there's only one flight left and it's booked solid. You'll have to wait for tomorrow."

"Ah SHIT!" Sabin yelled. Spaceport security moved slightly closer to them.

"Don't worry, Sabin," Edgar said. "Go over there and wait for me."

Sabin shrugged angrily, walked out of the line and stood in a corner.

"Now that we're alone," Edgar said smoothly to the young woman, "I was wondering what I can do for you to make you want to help us."

The girl smiled stupidly. "Huh?"

"What I'm saying is, help me help you help me. I'll do anything. _Anything_."

The girl giggled giddily. "Oh-Kay," she said dorkily. She beckoned for Edgar and Sabin to follow her to a backroom.

--Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, On 9:30 flight--

Rikku and Yuna took their seats on the spaceship. It was decorated the exact same as an airplane on the inside, but the outside was a lot bulkier and used more reflective metals to cover it with no paint.

Rikku looked down at her seatbelt. She held either side in her hands and stared for a minute, then she started bouncing up and down pouting. "Yuuuunieeeee."

Yuna looked up from her own seatbelt to observe Rikku's. "Yours looks the exact same as mine. I think somebody fixed this. These are confuuusing. Let's watch the people do this at the front. They'll show us how these tricky devils work."

The doors closed and the plane began to taxi. While in slight motion, two stewards approached the front of the plane with model seatbelts. The stewards had black pants, white dress shirts, bright red ties, covered by blue vests. Both stewards were blond, one with a flattop and one with a ponytail.

"OH HELL NO!" Rufus yelled at the stewards. "This is a load of shit. You two are supposed to be eliminated."

"What the hell are you talking about Reginald?" Shinra asked Rufus.

"It's Rufus, you dumb lump of Crisco. And that's them! The stewards. They're those damn brothers. They snuck on as stewards to be on this flight. That's gotta be a penalty."

"This is how you put on a seatbelt," Sabin explained. He clicked the pieces together. "The little skinny one goes into the big fat one, and they connect."

"That's genius!" Yuna said outloud. "But I still don't get it."

"You're over complicating things," Edgar told them. "It really simple. Like sex. Just stick this one in that one, and that's that."

Yuna and Rikku looked at each other and, in unison, repeated, "Oh, like sex," and successfully buckled their seatbelts.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Amazing Final Fantasy Race  
Episode 1: Part 2 of 3**

(8:00 Plane Landing)

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

Auron and Jecht ran to a clue box not far from the exit. Jecht opened the box, ripped open the clue and read aloud. "Detour. Clock or Watch."

--Announcer Gippal--

"A detour is a choice between two tasks. In Clock, teams must travel to the city of Zozo and tell a man by a clock the correct time. The trick is, nobody in the town tells the truth, and teams must speak to several people to determine the correct time by their lies. The city is mildly hard to find, and keeping track of incorrect information can be difficult, but if done correctly, this task could be finished quickly. In Watch, teams must travel south and find the Opera House. Once there, teams must sit through the play "Locke's Improv Show." The show is long and extremely stupid, but teams will not have to struggle with the liars of Zozo."

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

"Let's do Clock," Auron said.

--Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 2nd--

"WATCH!" Fujin said.

"Hey, that's fine ya know," Raijin said. "I was thinking the same thing. I don't think we're smart enough to keep track of all those bastards ya know."

--Tifa & : Just met, Currently in 3rd--

Tifa ripped open the clue. "Let's do Cl- wait. Are you the right person?" Tifa looked at the lumberjack lesbian next to her that had been rubbing up to her the whole flight. "Wait a minute, do I have the right partner?"

Paine walked off the plane in a giant crowd of people. "Tifa? Or Tiffany? Or Tia? Where are you at?" Paine ran through the crowd and grabbed Tifa's shoulder. "There you are. What's that?"

"A clue," Tifa said. "Come on, we're doing Clock."

--Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 4th--

Lani opened the clue while Amarant continued to walk. "I think we should do Clock- Hey! Where're you going?"

"I heard those other guys describing the detours," Amarant said. "I'm doing Watch because I don't feel like dealing with those lying guys."

"Well, well, FINE!" Lani yelled at Amarant as he continued to walk to the exit. "Well I'm doing Clock! I don't need YOU! Bitch!" she paused and watched Amarant continue to walk. "Wait up! We have to stick together. Let's go watch the damn play."

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

Auron and Jecht entered the eternally rainy city of Zozo.

"Heh, hard to find my ass," Jecht said, stretching out his neck. "How do you miss a city with a dark cloud floating above it? Only someone as dumb as Braska would miss this place."

"Come on Jecht," Auron said. "Let's get this thing done."

A scruffy man dressed in rags walked by Auron and Jecht. Auron grabbed him by the back of the neck and held him still. Jecht faced the man.

"Hey you, what time is it?" Jecht asked.

"The seconds hand is :20," he responded.

Jecht solidly punched the man in the gut. "I said the TIME! Tell me it!"

"I-i-it's 7:30:40," he said out of fear.

"Liar!" Jecht yelled at him, backhanding him across the face.

"Ahh! I mean, it's 7:40:40! I-i-it's the truth!"

"We'll take him with us," Auron said. "If he's wrong, let him have it." Auron dragged the man to the clock room while Jecht held the door open.

Jecht approached the man by the clock. "The time is sev-"

"Wait!" Auron's prisoner yelled. "It's 9:30:40. Seriously."

"Yeah, what he said," Jecht said to the man. The man pulled a clue out of his shirt and handed it to Jecht. Auron released the prisoner and gave him a solid kick to the ass to get him moving. Jecht opened the clue and read it out loud. "Travel to the city of Jidoor. In the weapon shop will be your next clue. All right, let's go Bitch."

"Fine Jecht," Auron said. "Lead the way."

"You're certainly good at taking my insults now Auron. I remember you being a whiny little bitch back in the day."

"Well I've changed," Auron said as Jecht started to leave. "And I did your wife."

--Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 2nd--

Lani approached the Impresario at the main entrance to the Opera House. Amarant came walking in sometime afterwards.

"We're here for the play," Lani said. "Let us in, okay?"

"You're in luck," the Impresario said. "There's a play starting in just a couple of minutes, and there's _plenty_ of seats available."

"MORE!" a voice behind Amarant yelled.

"Yeah, like she said ya know?" Raijin said. "We're right behind you guys. Grab us a couple of tickets ya know."

"Four tickets then," Lani said, then she turned to Fujin and Raijin. "But we're _not_ in an alliance with you guys for this. Leave us alone. And don't sit near us."

Lani, Amarant, Raijin, and Fujin took their tickets and found their seats in the theatre. Lani and Amarant got balcony seats and Raijin and Fujin had floor seats, very close to the orchestra pit. The lights dimmed and lights shone on the stage, illuminating a few people on the stage. They ran around the stange aimlessly, pretending to act while the orchestra tried to add music relating to what was happening. It was a mess.

--Tifa & Paine: Just met, Currently in 3rd--

Tifa and Paine stood in front of a pirate-like man wearing an eye-patch and rags. The man was very anxious looking, while Paine was looking bored and annoyed.

"Lemme get this straight," Tifa said. "If I make-out with her, and at some point during that she grabs my breast and nibbles on my ear, you'll tell us the exact time?"

"Yes ma'ams," he said, looking pervertedly at them. "Trust me. It's been a really long time since attractive women have come to his town. I will not lie to you."

Tifa and Paine sighed, but still made-out exactly as the man had specified.

"Okay, give it up now punk," Paine ordered.

"Yes! That was beautiful. You know, I actually had planned on lying to you to see if you'd do more for me, but well, thanks to the rain and this one's white shirt, I've got nothing to add, so I'll just tell you. The time is 9:50:10."

Tifa and Paine went inside and told the time to the clock man. After staring at Tifa's chest for about ten seconds, he handed them the clue. After reading the clue, Tifa punched the clue man in the eye, then she and Paine headed for Jidoor.

-----(9:30 Plane Landing) --Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in 5th--

"Come on Yunie!" Rikku whined. "Let's go see the show."

"Okay!" Yuna responded excitedly. "Watch it is!"

--Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, Currently in 6th--

"Son, are there going to be jujubes at the play?" Shinra asked.

"If I say 'yes' will we get there faster?" Rufus asked. Shinra nodded. "Then yes, there will be. We'll do Watch."

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in 7th--

"We've dealt with those Zozoians before," Sabin said. "We could do it again."

"Yeah, but we've also seen plays before," Edgar added.

"But bro! That place confuses me!"

"Look, here's the deal. It looks like everybody on this flight is doing the play, so we should do the same, then try to beat everybody to the end. This way ensures that we won't be eliminated. Besides, there's chicks in operas. Hot chicks. That's the way plays have always been. Even back to Shakespearian plays. Those had some hot chicks in them."

"B-bro? You sure about that? B-bro? Fine, we'll do Watch, but bro..."

--Strago & Relm: Grandpa/Granddaughter, Currently in 8th--

"No contest," Relm said. "We'll do Watch, but if you snore too loud, I'm gonna hit you you ol' fuddy duddy."

Strago nodded in agreement.

-----

All the teams from the 9:30 flight arrived at the Opera House at the same time. Edgar approached the Impresario.

"We need tickets for the next show," Edgar said.

"The next show is in an hour," the Impresario exlpained. "The other show still hasn't ended."

The teams started purchasing their tickets in advance, when suddenly the doors burst open and a security guard was pulling Fujin and Raijin out by the collars.

"DAMMIT!" Fujin yelled.

"This is crap ya know?" Raijin said. "She wasn't being that loud ya know. Your play is boring, and she was just saying that it's boring." The security guard let go of them and headed back into the theatre, locking the doors behind him.

"We're going to need tickets to the next show ya know," Raijin said to the Impresario.

-----(9:00 Plane Landing) --Jenova & Sephiroth: Mother/Son, Currently in 9th--

Jenova looked angrily into the clue box. Sephiroth pulled out a clue and shrugged at Jenova.

"Would you look at that," Sephiroth said. "Now somebody took all the chocolate wafer cookies before we got here. Somebody doesn't like you. By the way Mother, we're doing Clock."

--Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 10th--

"Beatrix-dear, I know how you love plays, so why don't we do that one?" Steiner asked Beatrix.

"Nice try Adelbert-honey, but it's _you_ that likes plays," Beatrix responded. "But seeing as you love them so, we'll do Watch."

--Squall & Rinoa: Dating, Currently in Last Place--

"What do you think Squall?" Rinoa asked Squall.

"..."

"Well I was thinking we should do Watch." She paused. "Okay, let's do Watch."

-----

"After this leg of the race, I say we come back here and bust some heads," Lani said to Amarant as they exited the theatre with a large crowd. "That was atrocious."

The Impresario approached Amarant and handed him the next clue. Lani and Amarant hid in a corner of the Opera House and watched the other teams march into the theatre to find their seats. After the room was clear of all players, Lani read the clue out loud.

"Travel to the city of Jidoor. In the weapon shop will be your next clue. Let's go Flamer."

-----Sephiroth and Jenova arrived in Zozo. Immediately Jenova ran off and started to question the locals. Sephiroth walked to the building with the clock. Jenova joined him a few minutes later.

"I know Mother," Sephiroth said. "The hour isn't 5? All that and that's all you've gotten out of them? No, Mother. they're not hard to break. That's not the problem- look, clock guy," Sephiroth turned to face the man guarding the clock. Sephiroth looked at his watch. "I've got 10:20:50. Is that it?" The man reached in his shirt and pulled out a clue. He handed it to Sephiroth. "That was a bullshit detour sir. Come on Mother. We're going to Jidoor. I mean, Jidoor! Home of the 99 cent pancake sandwiches!"

Jenova raced off quickly with Sephiroth chasing her.

-----

Steiner, Beatrix, Squall, and Rinoa ran into the Opera House, huffing and wheezing.

"We need tickets," Steiner yelled.

"Okay, but you'd all better run in there," the Impresario said. "The doors will be locked in two minutes."

The Impresario handed them each their tickets and they ran into the theatre. The doors shut immediately behind Rinoa since she was the slowest runner, and therefore the last one into the theatre.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Amazing Final Fantasy Race  
Episode 1: Part 3 of 3 **

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

Auron and Jecht walked into the city of Jidoor. Auron pointed to the picture of a sword atop the building across from them, and both ran into the shop. In the corner was the clue box. Auron opened the box and pulled out the clue.

"Roadblock," Auron said. "Who's aggressive and loud?"

--Announcer Gippal--

"A roadblock is a task that only one person can perform. In this roadblock, the racers must make their way to the Jidoor Auction House and bid on a Jidoor crafted relic known as Cherub Down. The racers will not have to pay for the Cherub Down, but they are only allowed to bid a maximum of 10,000 GP. Instead of receiving the Cherub Down, racers will receive their next clue.

--Auron & Jecht: Grizzled Old Guys, Currently in 1st--

"This'll be simple," Jecht said. "Be back in five minutes."

Jecht raced outside and up a set of stairs to the Jidoor Auction House. Auron followed him and waited outside the building. Jecht went in and found a seat as the first auction began.

"Okay, here's our first item up for bid," the auctioneer said. A woman behind him came forward and dropped a box on the floor, then opened it. "Inside is... a Hero Ring. Do I hear 500 GP?"

"Hey!" Jecht yelled out. "Get to the damn Cherub Down! Nobody here wants that shitty Hero Ring. Now come on! I got 2000 GP for your Cherub Down."

"Do I hear 500 GP for the _Hero Ring_?" the auctioneer repeated.

--Tifa & Paine: Just met, Currently in 2nd--

Tifa and Paine found the weapon shop clue box and opened the clue.

"Aggressive and loud?" Tifa asked aloud. "I don't think either of us are, but it sounds like whatever we're going to do, we'll need to attract attention, and since I've got a bigger rack, I'll do it."

Tifa and Paine raced off for the Jidoor Auction House. Paine waited outside with Auron while Tifa entered the Auction House. In the back corner of the room were several chairs that had been flipped over, all in the vicinity of Jecht who was on his feet screaming out obscenities. Tifa found a seat directly in front of the auctioneer.

"Sold to this guy for 5000 GP. Take it away!" The auctioneer said as a man in the front row rejoiced and grabbed his Hero Ring and ran off. "Our next item is... Cherub Down-"

"About friken time!" Jecht yelled. "I'll give ya 5000 GP for it."

Tifa adjusted her shirt a bit and hiked up her mini-skirt a couple inches. "6000," she said.

"Sev-"

"Sold!" the auctioneer exclaimed. "Sold to the woman in the front row."

Tifa stood up and got the next clue from the auctioneer.

"What?" Jecht yelled furiously from the back. He picked up a chair and chucked it at the auctioneer, but his aim was off.

Tifa walked outside and Paine joined her in reading the clue.

"Go to the pitstop at the the Jidoor Art House," Tifa read. "The last team to arrive may be eliminated."

"Those tits of yours sure do work," Paine said to Tifa. "I'm starting to really like them."

"Like you didn't right when you met me," Tifa said, running for the Jidoor Art House at the north end of the town.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Paine yelled, chasing after her.

Tifa ran inside the art house, closely followed by Paine. Down the hallway was a map of the world on the floor with Gippal and a fat man named Owzer standing behind it. Tifa and Paine ran to the map and stepped onto it. Paine put her arm around Tifa's neck, and Tifa did likewise.

"Welcome to Jidoor," Owzer said.

"Tifa and Paine," Gippal said. "You're team number one!"

Tifa and Paine high-fived with their free hands.

"As the winners of this leg of the race," Gippal continued, "you both have won a front row tickets to the opening blitzball games in Luca."

Tifa looked confused. "Blitz- Hey!"

"What?" Paine asked.

"You touched my boob," Tifa said, pointing at Paine's hand.

"You wish. I didn't touch anything."

"Yeah, sure."

"I didn't!"

"Did so!"

"L-ladies?" Gippal said. "Would you mind moving off the map? There's a team behind you."

Tifa and Paine let go of each other and turned to see Auron and Jecht staring at them with their arms crossed across their chests. Tifa and Paine moved off the map and Jecht and Auron stepped on.

"Auron and Jecht," Gippal said. "You're team number two!"

"We shoulda been one," Jecht said. "But I can't ever hold it against a woman with a rack that size who knows how to use 'em. She'll be some competition, but that's what we came for."

--Amarant & Lani: Coworkers, Currently in 3rd--

"Who's aggressive and loud?" Lani read. Both she and Amarant were standing by the clue box in the weapon shop. "I think I'll do it. I'm louder, aggressiver, and much cuter."

"No," was Amarant's mind-boggling rebuttal.

"You just want to do it because you think I'm a weak little woman, don't you? Well I'm not! I can-"

"Shut up," Amarant butted in. "I'm doing it because you were apparently too daft to notice that this city is known for its large auction house, and I have a better chance in an auction. I have auction experience. I was a bodyguard for the Treno auction house, so I know what intimidates the auctioneer."

"Y-yeah, but umm... But I know what makes an auctioneer horny! I should do it."

"I'm doing it. Go wait somewhere."

Amarant left, followed quickly by Lani. They made their way to the auction house, and while Amarant made his way inside, Lani stayed outside to talk to the locals. She saw a man walking in aimless circles down the street, so she adjusted herself and moved in to question him.

"Hi there baby," Lani said to him. "I'm from out of this world, as if you couldn't tell by my 'out of this world' body. Will you be around tomorrow so if _I_ need a personal tour gui- hey!"

Amarant walked by and picked Lani up by the back of her shirt. "Come on," he said to her. "That was incredibly easy. I barely threatened him and he chickened out. I think one of the scarier teams has already been through there. Now let's go."

"Fine, but put me down!"

Amarant put Lani down and the two of them ran to the art house and onto the map.

"Amarant and Lani," Gippal said.

"Excuse me!" Lani interrupted. "It's Lani and Amarant. We wrote that on the application."

"That's not what the application said though," Gippal replied. "I think your tall friend there must've changed it."

Lani turned to look at Amarant, but Amarant grabbed her head and turned it forward. "Don't worry about it, just listen," Amarant said.

"Anyways," Gippal resumed, "you're team number three!"

--Jenova & Sephiroth: Mother/Son, Currently in 4th--

"Who's aggressive and loud?" Sephiroth read. "No, that's n- Well, I know but- Come on. You have no voi- Fine! Just lose for us then! Do the damn roadblock. I'll be waiting outside."

Sephiroth walked outside the weapon shop and Jenova ran out behind him. She looked around as Sephiroth found a comfortable patch of wall and leaned against it. Jenova started to run south toward the chocobo stables.

"Mother," Sephiroth said, then pointed up the stairs at the auction house. "Yeah, there you go. Oh well, I guess it's not too bad being first out."

Sephiroth continued to lean against the weapon shop wall while Jenova ran inside the auction house. "Hey look. Everybody else is here now. We're royally screwed."

-------

All the other teams came running into town at about the same time. Edgar and Sabin, and Raijin and Fujin were leading the pack, while Strago and Relm, and Shinra and Rufus were bringing up the rear. All the teams with the exception of Rikku and Yuna ran into the weapon shop. Rikku and Yuna ran into the armory.

--Edgar & Sabin: Brothers, Currently in 5th--

"Aggressive and loud?" Edgar read. "That's me all the way baby."

"Kick some ass bro," Sabin said.

--Raijin & Fujin: Friends, Currently in 6th--

"They can't be serious ya know," Raijin said.

"CAKE," Fujin said triumphantly.

"Yeah, this'll be no problem for you ya know. Yelling out numbers at an auction. I think yelling out stuff is all you're good for anyway ya know."

"It's not like I can't-"

"Fujin! Now's not the time to chat ya know?"

Fujin nodded and ran to the auction house.

--Steiner & Beatrix: Dating, Currently in 7th--

"Wonderful play, wouldn't you say so Beatrix-dear?" Steiner asked, slowly opening the clue.

"Steiner-honey," Beatrix said. "If you wouldn't mind, could you open the damned clue?"

"Yes ma'am. Who's aggressive and loud?"

"I don't know about aggressive, but you're certainly loud, so go for it hon."

--Squall & Rinoa: Dating, Currently in 8th--

"I'm not even going to read it," Rinoa said, holding the clue out of Squall's reach. "I already know you're doing it. That's what we decided."

--Shinra & Rufus: Father/Son, Currently in 9th--

"Ah, here you go Fatty," Rufus said, looking down at the clue. "This will probably be the only roadblock you'll do. Now move it lardass."

"Son," Shinra said, "one day I'm going to start physically beating you again like I did back in the day for sucking your thumb."

--Strago & Relm: Grandpa/Granddaughter, Currently in 10th--

"I'm doing it," Relm said to Strago.

"You sure you can?" Strago asked. "I think I should do it. I have experience in the world, and-"

"Kiss my little white ass, I'm doing it. Out of the way geezer."

--Rikku & Yuna: Cousins, Currently in Last Place--

"I told you it wasn't a trick Yunie," Rikku said. "Now we're probably in last. But it's okay! We'll still win it all!"

"Right," Yuna said. "But why does this town have separate weapon and armor shops? I thought they were always together. Oh well. Rikku! This sounds like your kind of roadblock."

-------

The auction house was more crowded than it has ever been. The everyday auction house visitors sat in their normal seats while the eight racers chosen by their teams flooded the auction house. Almost every chair that was not broken by Jecht was taken up as Edgar, Fujin, Steiner, Squall, Shinra, Relm, and Rikku came in to see Jenova charging the auctioneer. Sadly for her, she was not being given the clue she needed, she was instead attacking the auctioneer for cheating her out of her prize she claimed she won.

"I didn't see you," the auctioneer said. "You never made a single bid!"

Jenova eventually took her seat directly in front of the auctioneer as the auction began.

"Next up for bid we have... some Cherub Down. Do I hear 500?"

"500!" Edgar shouted out.

"1000!" Fujin yelled.

"2000!" Relm cried out.

"Well? How 'bout it?" the auctioneer asked Jenova. "You'll pass you say? Okay then..."

"5000!" Rikku yelled.

"7000!" Steiner yelled.

"Money means nothing to me," Shinra said. "10,000!"

"Vile cur!" Steiner yelled angrily at Shinra. "How dare you overtake my bid?"

"10,000, going once," the auctioneer said.

"6000!" Squall finally piped up.

"You serious?" Edgar asked Squall, who was sitting next to him. "You've gotta learn to keep up with conversations."

"Going twice," the auctioneer said.

"10,000 and sex!" Rikku screamed out at last.

"Wait, we can bid that?" Edgar asked Squall. Squall shrugged.

"10,000 and a stick of gum!" Relm shouted out.

"Wait, I offered sex, that's not less than a stick of gum!" Rikku yelled at Relm.

"With you? I'd take gum," Relm said.

"Grr, fine! 10,000 and two sex!" Rikku said. "I mean, two at once, not two with me. I'll get my hot cousin in here and-"

"Excuse me ladies," the auctioneer interrupted. "We only take money here, so you can stop arguing. I sold it to the fat man in red."

Shinra stood up slowly and kind of cheered, then walked slowly to the auctioneer, took the clue, and headed outside.

"Next up for bid we have... some more Cherub Down. Do I hear 500?"

"10,000!" Fujin yelled.

"Sold for 10,000!" the auctioneer said. Fujin raced up and grabbed her clue. Next up for bid we have a Hero Ring. Do I hear 1000?"

"10,000!" Squall yelled out. "Wait, what?"

"Sold for 10,000!" the auctioneer said.

"Wait, what'd I buy?"

"A Hero Ring!"

"Oh shit."

-------

"Rufus and Shinra," Gippal said to the two standing on the map, "you're team number four!"

"Nice job Fat-ass," Rufus said. "I knew you could do well, that. I don't think you've got much more in you, but good job with that one."

"Thanks Ruddy," Shinra said. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Raijin and Fujin," Gippal said to the two stepping onto the map right after Rufus and Shinra stepped off, "you're team number five!"

"Hey, that works for me ya know." Raijin said.

"FIRST," Fujin added.

"Yeah, it's like she says ya know? Those guys were ahead of us, so we knew we weren't first place, but this works for us ya know."

-------

"Bro!" Sabin yelled as Edgar came out of the Jidoor Auction House. "What took you?"

"People started betting the full amount too quick, so we kept throwing stuff in to settle the deal," Edgar replied. "He didn't take to it at first, but now he kinda has to. First chance these people get they're yelling out 10,000. Anyway, if anyone asks, yes. That auctioneer and a few of his floozies are allowed to stay at Figaro Castle in the main chambers until we get back."

Edgar and Sabin ran onto the map.

"Edgar and Sabin," Gippal said, "you're team number six!"

"That's good to hear, but wait bro," Sabin said to Edgar. "You know, this is our home planet, and not that far from our home town. We should've had first without competition."

"You act like you forgot about the shoopuf," Edgar said.

"Oh yeeeeah," Sabin said. "I say we buy a compass before the next leg bro."

-------

Sephiroth moved from the wall of the weapon shop and headed to the auction house. Directly outside the auction house was Jenova, jumping up and down happily. "You did it?" Sephiroth asked. "Did what?" He watched in amazement as Jenova pulled out a small airship. "You bought a 1/34 model of an airship. Wonderful. Where's the clue?" He leaned back against a wall slightly closer to the auction house. "Go back in and bid on the Cherub Down. Congrats on the mini-airship, but we need the clue!"

Jenova went back inside and Sephiroth decided to pace around the auction house out of boredom, when suddenly the auction doors burst open and Rikku came running out with her clue.

"Yunie! We got it! Let's go," Rikku said.

"Good job Rikku!" Yuna said happily.

"Oh by the way, when this leg is over, we need to come back here and give that auctioneer sex."

"Okay. So where are we off to?"

"The Jidoor Art House. Umm, where's that Yunie?"

Yuna looked around, finally eyeing Sephiroth who was still walking in circles. "Let's ask him!"

"Excuse us," Rikku said, getting way too close to Sephiroth's face with her own. "We're looking for the Jidoor Art House, can you help us out?"

"You two are seriously lost?" Sephiroth asked. "Do you even know where Jidoor is?"

"Nope, that's why we asked you!" Rikku said enthusiastically.

"We offer se-"

"Yunie!" Rikku grabbed Yuna's mouth. "That's a last resort," Rikku whispered to Yuna. Yuna nodded.

"Okay, what yer gonna do," Sephiroth said, trying to act as stupid as possible, "yer gonna head out of this here city by name of Sephercity. Then yeh go bearin' north until you reach the beach. It's directly north once yeh get outa 'ere, ya can't miss it. When you hit the beach, strip down teh yer skivvies and swim out a while. Jidoor's the floatin' city, made famous for the Jidoor Art House. Once yer there, yeh can't miss it."

"Oh super cool gravy," Rikku said, then kissed Sephiroth on the cheek. "Thanks for the directions!"

Rikku and Yuna ran ambitiously out of the city and promptly headed north.

-------

Relm ran out of the auction house and found Strago.

"I told you that gum would come in handy at some point!" Relm yelled at Strago. "Now come on, to the art house! I don't wanna miss Owzer."

Strago and Relm took off into the art house and made their way to the map. Relm waved at Owzer.

"Strago and Relm," Gippal said, "you're team number seven!"

-------

The auction door opened and Steiner walked out, clue in hand. He found Beatrix sitting on the grass by some trees.

"M'lady," Steiner said to her. "We must go to the Jidoor Art House now." He offered his hand to her, and she took it and stood up, then the two ran hand-in-hand to the art house.

"Steiner and Beatrix," Gippal said, "you're team number eight!"

-------

The next person to leave the auction house was Squall. He ran out, read the clue himself, then ran to find Rinoa. Rinoa was nowhere to be seen though. Squall looked around frantically, obviously lost in thought. Finally, Rinoa came walking out of the chocobo stables. Once she saw Squall outside, she ran quickly over to him.

"Finally!" Rinoa said. "Come on, I already know it's the art house. Let's go."

Rinoa and Squall ran to the art house, Rinoa ahead, constantly yelling "come on Squall"s.

"Squall and Rinoa," Gippal said, "you're team number nine!"

"Yay!" Rinoa said, hugging Squall. Squall patted her head a couple times supportively.

-------

The sky turned dark as Sephiroth waited outside for Jenova.

"She's the last one in there," Sephiroth said to the camera. "Any minute now."

He walked to the door and waited. The door finally swung open and a flood of people walked out.

"Where're you all going?" Sephiroth asked them.

"Auction house's closed for the night," a man in back responded.

"Great," Sephiroth said sarcastically.

"I guess the auctioneer's havin' a one-on-one with some creature in there before they close though." Sephiroth looked around. At the very edge of the city he saw Rikku and Yuna running in, half-naked and still slightly wet from the looks of things. He opened the door and watched Jenova standing face-to-face with the auctioneer. Finally, he handed her the last clue.

"Come on Mother! Run!" Sephiroth yelled.

Jenova grabbed the clue and ran after Sephiroth. Rikku and Yuna had spotted Sephiroth, now with a clue in hand. They dropped their things and sprinted for the art house. Sephiroth dropped his things, picked up Jenova, and raced to the art house.

-------

Gippal stood waiting at the map. He looked out as the doors swung open and the team rushed forward onto the map.

"Yuna and Rikku," he said, "you're team number ten!"

Rikku and Yuna hugged each other happily. "You didn't doubt us, did ya Gippal?" Rikku asked.

"Doubt the high summoner? Never. Though I was starting to sweat."

-------

Sephiroth stepped onto the map and dropped Jenova next to him.

"Jenova and Sephiroth," Gippal said quietly, "you're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race."

"I do have to hand it to those girls though," Sephiroth said. "They're dumb as hell, but they're fast! They beat me carrying Mother and they'd just ran from edge to edge of this side of this continent. I'm impressed." He looked down at Jenova. "No, I'm not impressed with you. You lost for us... No, I'm not mad. Come on, let's go home. I'll bet we're missing Sonic."

_Author's Note:_

_Thanks for previewing the first episode of The Amazing Final Fantasy Race! For further episodes, please visit my website (link found in my profile). Hope you enjoyed it!  
_

_And if Sephiroth and Jenova seemed a bit... off as far as their personalities, be sure to check out Bugging Sephiroth on my site. It'll all make a bit more sense._


End file.
